Funny Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Cry

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Jokes That Will Make You Laugh So Hard! [2019] - YouTube

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300 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

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Looking for a good laugh? We’ve got you coated with an enormous listing of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud.

And laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.

Not handiest does laughter scale back stress, it lowers your blood pressure, offers you a very good ab exercise, and releases endorphins.

So to keep you healthy and happy actually, revel in those 300 funny quotes and get giggling.

Funny Quotes

“People say not anything is unimaginable, however I do nothing on a daily basis.” – A. A. Milne

“Better to stay silent and be idea a fool than to speak out and take away all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“If I were two-faced, would I be dressed in this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“The absolute best factor in regards to the long run is that it comes someday at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

“The handiest mystery in existence is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Light travels sooner than sound. This is why some other people seem brilliant until you hear them talk.” – Alan Dundes

“Nobody realizes that some folks fritter away tremendous power merely to be customary.” – Albert Camus

“Men marry ladies with the hope they will never exchange. Women marry males with the hope they will alternate. Invariably they are both upset.” – Albert Einstein

“The distinction between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“All the issues I actually cherish to do are both immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

“War is God’s manner of educating Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on colleges and roads, but presently that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“The moderate canine is a nicer person than the typical particular person.” – Andy Rooney

“At each celebration there are two sorts of folks – those who want to pass home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they're typically married to one another.” – Ann Landers

“If you need your kids to concentrate, take a look at speaking softly to anyone else.” – Ann Landers

“Doctors are simply the similar as attorneys; the one distinction is that legal professionals simply rob you, while doctors rob you and kill you too.” – Anton Chekhov

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“My critiques could have changed, however now not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“To make sure that of hitting the target, shoot first, and get in touch with no matter you hit the objective.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Trouble knocked on the door, but, listening to laughter, moved quickly away.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Wine is continuing evidence that God loves us and loves to look us glad.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Have you spotted that the entire people in favor of birth regulate are already born?” – Benny Hill

“Be who you are and say what you really feel, as a result of those that mind don’t topic and people who matter don’t thoughts.” – Bernard Baruch

“Most folks would quicker die than think; actually, they do so.” – Bertrand Russell

“The global is full of magical issues patiently looking ahead to our wits to develop sharper.” – Bertrand Russell

“If you’re going to tell other folks the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” – Billy Wilder

“A bank is a place that will lend you cash if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“Inside me there’s a thin individual struggling to get out, but I can generally sedate him with 4 or 5 cupcakes.” – Bob Thaves

“We never in reality grow up, we most effective learn to act in public.” – Bryan White

“As a child my circle of relatives’s menu consisted of two possible choices: take it or depart it.” – Buddy Hackett

“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does no longer indicate that all who're laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed on the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” – Carl Sagan

“My favourite machine on the gymnasium is the vending system.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everybody, line up alphabetically consistent with your top.” – Casey Stengel

“He who laughs ultimate didn’t get the shaggy dog story.” – Charles de Gaulle

“I at all times arrive late on the office, however I make up for it via leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end these days. It is already the following day in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz

“By the time a man realizes that his father was once proper, he has a son who thinks he’s improper.” – Charles Wadsworth

“A day with out laughter is an afternoon wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.” – Charlton Heston

“High heels have been invented by a woman who had been kissed on the brow.” – Christopher Morley

“If you love one thing set it loose, but don’t be stunned if it comes back with herpes.” – Chuck Palahniuk

“When I was a boy I was instructed that anybody may just develop into President. I’m beginning to consider it.” – Clarence Darrow

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our personal lifestyles. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“If you can’t live with out me, why aren’t you useless already?” – Cynthia Heimel

“If you suppose you are too small to make a difference, take a look at sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“Remember, lately is the the following day you nervous about the day past.” – Dale Carnegie

“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.” – Daniel J. Boorstin

“It is a systematic fact that your frame will now not soak up ldl cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” – Dave Barry

“Never beneath any instances take a snoozing pill and a laxative at the identical night.” – Dave Barry

“I used to jog however the ice cubes stored falling out of my glass.” – David Lee Roth

“Everyone has a goal in existence. Perhaps yours is looking at tv.” – David Letterman

“The digital digicam is a smart invention as it lets in us to reminisce. Instantly.” – Demetri Martin

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to make certain, however it makes things develop quicker at some point.” – Denis Waitley

“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

“A pessimist is a person who has had to pay attention to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

“The treatment for boredom is interest. There is no treatment for interest.” – Dorothy Parker

“Never doubt the braveness of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are fit for human consumption.” – Doug Larson

“To err is human; to confess it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

“Human beings, who are nearly unique in with the ability to be told from the revel in of others, are also outstanding for their obvious disinclination to take action.” – Douglas Adams

“I refuse to respond to that question at the grounds that I don’t know the solution.” – Douglas Adams

“There is a idea which states that if ever someone discovers precisely what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will immediately disappear and get replaced through something even more atypical and inexplicable.There is some other theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Dr. Seuss

“I used to be born to make errors, not to faux perfection.” – Drake

“An alcoholic is somebody you don’t like who beverages as much as you do.” – Dylan Thomas

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few persons are and the frog dies of it.” – E. B. White

“If you suppose nobody cares if you’re alive, check out lacking a few automotive payments.” – Earl Wilson

“The accountability of a patriot is to offer protection to his country from its govt.” – Edward Abbey

“Do now not take existence too seriously. You will by no means get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“A woman is sort of a tea bag – you can’t inform how robust she is until you put her in scorching water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“My grandmother began strolling 5 miles a day when she was once sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know the place the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“A computer as soon as beat me at chess, however it was once no fit for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“How many of us right here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

“I requested God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that means. So I stole a motorbike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“Leave one thing for any person however dont depart someone for one thing.” – Enid Blyton

“Never cross to a doctor whose place of job crops have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“Never have extra kids than you have automobile windows.” – Erma Bombeck

“I drink to make other folks more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Great art is the contempt of a perfect man for small art.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

“You’re handiest as just right as your closing haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz

“Good recommendation is one thing a man offers when he is too previous to set a foul instance.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Marriage is the only warfare by which you sleep with the enemy.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“I will be able to’t understand why a person will take a yr to jot down a unique when he can easily buy one for a few greenbacks.” – Fred Allen

“The first time I sang within the church choir; 200 folks changed their faith.” – Fred Allen

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.” – George Bernard Shaw

“We be told from experience that males by no means be told anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw

“Happiness is having a big, loving, worrying, close-knit circle of relatives in some other city.” – George Burns

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“You know you’re getting previous when you hunch to tie your shoelaces and beauty what else you may just do whilst you’re down there.” – George Burns

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving sooner than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?” – George Carlin

“I used to be enthusiastic about how other folks seem to learn the Bible a whole lot extra as they grow older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for his or her ultimate examination.” – George Carlin

“I’m in shape. Round is a form.” – George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and prevail, which have you accomplished?” – George Carlin

“May the forces of evil develop into confused on how you can your house.” – George Carlin

“Most other people paintings just hard enough not to get fired and receives a commission simply enough cash not to hand over.” – George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” – George Carlin

“To the ones of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say smartly performed. And to the C students, I say you, too, will also be president of the United States.” – George W. Bush

“The surest signal that clever lifestyles exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never attempted to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“Before you pass judgement on a person, walk a mile in his sneakers. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve were given his sneakers!” – Billy Connolly

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to look what the military does with the ones wee purple knives.” – Billy Connolly

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any longer than going to a storage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

“A black cat crossing your path indicates that the animal goes somewhere.” – Groucho Marx

“Behind each a success man is a woman, in the back of her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx

“Here’s to our better halves and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx

“I was married by way of a judge. I will have to have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx

“If you in finding it hard to laugh at yourself, I'd be at liberty to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

“Marriage is the manager cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx

“A judge is a legislation student who marks his personal exam papers.” – H. L. Mencken

“The two most commonplace components in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

“It’s best when you have a look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how continuously they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill

“It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his process; it’s a despair when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman

“Before marriage, a person announces that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he received’t even lay down his newspaper to speak to you.” – Helen Rowland

“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to inform a story to the same person, 3 or four times.” – Helen Rowland

“I’ve were given all of the cash I’ll ever want, if I die via four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep past due.” – Henny Youngman

“All men are equivalent ahead of fish.” – Herbert Hoover

“If I want to knock a story off the entrance web page, I just trade my hairstyle.” – Hillary Clinton

“You attempted your absolute best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘by no means take a look at.'” – Homer Simpson

“My grandfather once told me that there were two sorts of other people: those who do the work and those that take the credit score. He informed me to take a look at to be within the first workforce; there was much much less pageant.” – Indira Gandhi

“People who think they know the whole thing are an excellent annoyance to these people who do.” – Isaac Asimov

“I’d somewhat have 1% of the hassle of One hundred males than 100% of my very own effort.” – J. Paul Getty

“My spouse Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and now not once have we had an issue serious enough to imagine divorce; murder, sure, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner

“Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out buying groceries and there’s not anything you like. And then, as good fortune would have it, the following week you find two that are easiest, however you don’t have the money to shop for both.” – Janet Evanovich

“According to a brand new survey, 90% of guys say their lover is also their easiest friend. Which is actually kind of worrying when you believe guy’s best possible friend is his canine.” – Jay Leno

“Here’s something to think about: How come you by no means see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.” – Jean Rostand

“Haters are just puzzled admirers as a result of they may be able to’t figure out the reason why everybody loves you.” – Jeffree Star

“It’s superb that the volume of reports that happens in the world on a daily basis all the time simply exactly suits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Laugh a lot. It burns a large number of energy.” – Jessica Simpson

“Avoid culmination and nuts. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis

“The easy act of opening a bottle of wine has brought extra happiness to the human race than all of the collective governments within the history of earth.” – Jim Harrison

“Americans are extremely inpatient. Someone as soon as stated that the shortest time period in America is the time between when the light turns inexperienced and when you pay attention the first horn honk.” – Jim Rohn

“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant until, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins

“Why is there such a lot month left at the finish of the money?” – John Barrymore

“Forgive your enemies, but never omit their names.” – John F. Kennedy

“I’ve come to view Jesus a lot the best way I view Elvis. I really like the fellow but the fan clubs in reality freak me out.” – John Fugelsang

“Money isn't crucial factor on the planet. Love is. Fortunately, I like money.” – Jackie Mason

“Women are wiser than men as a result of they know less and perceive extra.” – James Thurber

“Life strikes pretty rapid. If you don’t forestall and go searching every so often, you may pass over it.” – John Hughes

“The avoidance of taxes is the one highbrow pursuit that nonetheless carries any praise.” – John Maynard Keynes

“Life is difficult; it’s more difficult if you’re silly.” – John Wayne

“If existence was once truthful, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators could be dead.” – Johnny Carson

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, no longer swallowed.” – Josh Billings

“Facebook just appears like a drag, in my day seeing photos of peoples holidays used to be thought to be a punishment.” – Betty White

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a illness.” – Bill Maher

“If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t agree to the existing usual of nonconformity.” – Bill Vaughan

“Money gained’t buy happiness, however it will pay the salaries of a large analysis team of workers to check the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“A stockbroker advised me to shop for a inventory that would triple its price yearly. I informed him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy inexperienced bananas.'” – Claude Pepper

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood

“I’m too inebriated to taste this hen.” – Colonel Sanders

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have higher verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that learn about: ‘Duh.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Starbucks says they are going to start hanging spiritual quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” – Conan O’Brien

“The greatest thief this global has ever produced is procrastination, and he is nonetheless at large.” – Josh Billings

“The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they consider they're artful as he.” – Karl Kraus

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“The safe method to double your cash is to fold it over once and put it on your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard

“True terror is to wake up one morning and uncover that your highschool class is operating the rustic.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“A a success man is one that makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful girl is one that can to find any such guy.” – Lana Turner

“That’s the funny factor about life. We’re hardly acutely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the long run goes to play out and not nearly sufficient time admiring the dear perfection of the present.” – Lauren Miller

“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.” – Laurence J. Peter

“Originality is the high-quality art of remembering what you listen however forgetting the place you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“I at all times wanted to be any person, however now I realize I should had been more explicit.” – Lily Tomlin

“The road to good fortune is all the time beneath development.” – Lily Tomlin

“Until you worth yourself, you received’t worth your time. Until you worth your time, you will now not do anything else with it.” – M. Scott Peck

“Don’t stay a man guessing too lengthy – he’s sure to find the answer elsewhere.” – Mae West

“I’m now not for everybody. I’m slightly for me.” – Marc Maron

“Cleaning up with youngsters round is like shoveling right through a snowfall.” – Margaret Culkin Banning

“Always take into account that you are completely distinctive. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

“Age is a matter of mind over subject. If you don’t thoughts, it doesn’t topic.” – Mark Twain

“Be cautious about studying health books. You might die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

“Clothes make the person. Naked other people have very little influence on society.” – Mark Twain

“I am an old guy and feature recognized a perfect many troubles, however maximum of them never took place.” – Mark Twain

“I'm handiest human, even supposing I remorseful about it.” – Mark Twain

“I'd have written a shorter letter, however I didn't have the time.” – Mark Twain

“Never get rid of until the next day what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“The most effective solution to stay your health is to eat what you don’t need, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d reasonably now not.” – Mark Twain

“When we remember we're all mad, the mysteries disappear and existence stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

“Do no longer make the error of treating your canines like people or they will deal with you like canine.” – Martha Scott

“Son, if you truly need something on this lifestyles, you need to paintings for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Matt Groening

“God is at house, it’s we who have gone out for a stroll.” – Meister Eckhart

“In the previous 10,000 years, people have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on more or less 2,500 gods. So the one difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of two,500 gods while they are skeptical of two,499 gods. We’re just one God away from total settlement.” – Michael Shermer

“My theory is that all of Scottish delicacies is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; knowledge is not striking it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

“A committee is a group that assists in keeping minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

“If evolution in reality works, how come moms only have two palms?” – Milton Berle

“My doctor informed me that jogging may just upload years to my lifestyles. I believe he used to be proper. I think ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I prefer any person who burns the flag after which wraps themselves up within the Constitution over any individual who burns the Constitution after which wraps themselves up in the flag.” – Molly Ivins

“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” – Muhammad Ali

“God did not intend faith to be an exercise membership.” – Naguib Mahfouz

“The best time a lady truly succeeds in converting a person is when he is a child.” – Natalie Wood

“It’s at all times darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” – Navjot Singh Sidhu

“The only thing that stops God from sending every other flood is that the primary one used to be unnecessary.” – Nicolas Chamfort

“When you pass into court docket you are striking your fate into the arms of twelve people who weren’t smart sufficient to get out of jury responsibility.” – Norm Crosby

“As you grow older 3 issues happen. The first is your reminiscence is going, and I can’t take into accout the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

“Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.” – Oliver Goldsmith

“If you will have to make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy

“A lady’s mind is cleaner than a person’s: She changes it extra often.” – Oliver Herford

“Man has his will, however woman has her method.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

“Roses are crimson, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Oscar Levant

“There’s a wonderful line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” – Oscar Levant

“What the arena wishes is extra geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t be expecting it again.” – Oscar Wilde

“Always forgive your enemies – not anything annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“I'm so artful that every so often I don’t understand a single phrase of what I am pronouncing.” – Oscar Wilde

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“I can stand brute drive, however brute reason why is moderately unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” – Oscar Wilde

“A camel is a horse designed by way of a committee.” – Sir Alec Issigonis

“Of the entire issues I’ve lost I pass over my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

“The simplest explanation why some other folks get lost in idea is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix

“To err is human, however to in point of fact foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

“I've learned from my errors, and I'm sure I will be able to repeat them precisely.” – Peter Cook

“I need my kids to have the entire issues I couldn’t have the funds for. Then I want to transfer in with them.” – Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first one year of our children’s lives teaching them to stroll and communicate and the following twelve telling them to sit down and close up.” – Phyllis Diller

“When a person opens a car door for his wife, it’s both a new automotive or a brand new wife.” – Prince Philip

“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” – R. D. Laing

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can go the street and not be puzzled about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Health nuts are going to feel silly in the future, mendacity in hospitals loss of life of nothing.” – Redd Foxx

“The much less Holy Spirit we've, the more cake and low we wish to stay the church going.” – Reinhard Bonnke

“If you lived with a roommate as volatile as this economic machine, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional lend a hand.” – Richard D. Wolff

“When you’re in adore it’s the most superb two and a part days of your existence.” – Richard Lewis

“Lead me no longer into temptation; I will find the best way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

“I like being married. It’s so nice to seek out that one special person you need to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“When I in the end met Mr. Right I had no thought that his first title used to be Always.” – Rita Rudner

“If you have a secret, folks will sit down a bit bit closer.” – Rob Cordry

“I have attempted to know absolutely not anything about an excellent many stuff, and I've succeeded moderately smartly.” – Robert Benchley

“The man who smiles when things cross fallacious has thought of someone to blame it on.” – Robert Bloch

“All my existence I’ve wanted, just once, to mention something suave without losing my educate of concept.” – Robert Breault

“By operating faithfully 8 hours a day you would possibly sooner or later get to be boss and paintings twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

“Love is an impossible to resist need to be irresistibly desired.” – Robert Frost

“We’re all slightly bizarre. And lifestyles is somewhat bizarre. And once we to find anyone whose weirdness is suitable with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually pleasant weirdness — and get in touch with it love — real love.” – Robert Fulghum

“Older folks shouldn’t consume health meals, they need all of the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

“I’m sorry, if you had been right, I’d accept as true with you.” – Robin Williams

“Why do they name it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“I found there used to be only one option to look skinny: hang around with fats other people.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I regarded up my family tree and found out I used to be the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“My psychiatrist advised me I was loopy and I said I desire a 2d opinion. He mentioned k, you’re ugly too.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner aside, we take separate holidays – we’re doing everything we will to keep our marriage in combination.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I believe that if life offers you lemons, you must make lemonade… And attempt to in finding any individual whose existence has given them vodka, and feature a birthday party.” – Ron White

“It’s true laborious paintings by no means killed anybody, but I determine, why take the risk?” – Ronald Reagan

“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan

“Have no concern of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for 5 dollars when you had hair.” – Sam Ewing

“I live through my very own rules (reviewed, revised, and authorized by my wife)… but nonetheless my very own.” – Si Robertson

“The bother with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the opposite fellow of a dull one.” – Sid Caesar

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their oldsters, gobble their meals, and tyrannize their teachers.” – Socrates

“You cannot be anything else if you need to be the whole thing.” – Solomon Schechter

“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you once more.” – Stan Laurel

“Folks, I don’t consider children. They’re here to exchange us.” – Stephen Colbert

“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and devour you. People are harder. Sometimes they fake to be your pal first.” – Steve Irwin

“An afternoon without sunshine is like, you know, night time.” – Steve Martin

“It does no longer topic whether or not you win or lose, what issues is whether I win or lose!” – Steven Weinberg

“A clear moral sense is in most cases the sign of a bad reminiscence.” – Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. So far, so just right.” – Steven Wright

“The early hen gets the bug, but the second mouse will get the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t suppose someone will have to write their autobiography until when they’re useless.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t want any yes-men round me. I need everyone to tell me the reality even supposing it prices them their process.” – Samuel Goldwyn

“I wish I were dumber so I may well be extra sure about my evaluations. It appears a laugh.” – Scott Adams

“If there are no silly questions, then what kind of questions do stupid other folks ask? Do they get sensible just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“To thieve concepts from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

“You can’t have the whole thing. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is difficult,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” – Sydney J. Harris

“The global is a globe. The farther you sail, the nearer to home you are.” – Terry Pratchett

“If you may just kick the person in the pants responsible for maximum of your hassle, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” – Theodore Roosevelt

“I've no longer failed. I’ve simply found 10,000 ways that gained’t paintings.” – Thomas A. Edison

“Opportunity is missed through most people as a result of it is dressed in overalls and looks like paintings.” – Thomas A. Edison

“It takes considerable wisdom simply to appreciate the level of your personal lack of understanding.” – Thomas Sowell

“Happiness is an imaginary situation, previously attributed through the residing to the dead, now typically attributed via adults to kids, and by youngsters to adults.” – Thomas Szasz

“I know that there are individuals who do not love their fellow guy, and I hate people like that!” – Tom Lehrer

“I hate girls because they always know the place things are.” – Voltaire

“A wealthy man is nothing but a poor guy with money.” – W. C. Fields

“Always elevate a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and moreover at all times lift a small snake.” – W. C. Fields

“If in the beginning you don’t be triumphant, check out, take a look at again. Then give up. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” – W. C. Fields

“We are all right here on earth to lend a hand others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.” – W. H. Auden

“A really perfect pleasure in life is doing what other folks say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

“My doctor gave me six months to are living, but if I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the arena.” – Wilhelm II

“Half our lifestyles is spent trying to find something to do with the time we've got rushed thru lifestyles looking to save.” – Will Rogers

“The highway to success is dotted with many tempting parking areas.” – Will Rogers

“When I die, I wish to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the entire passengers in his automotive.” – Will Rogers

“Common sense and a humorousness are the similar factor, shifting at other speeds. A sense of humor is simply commonplace sense, dancing.” – William James

“A lie gets midway world wide before the truth has an opportunity to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill

“You have enemies? Good. That way you’ve stood up for one thing, sometime in your lifestyles.” – Winston Churchill

“I don’t wish to succeed in immortality via my work. I want to achieve it via not demise.” – Woody Allen

“I’m the sort of good lover as a result of I practice a lot by myself.” – Woody Allen

“Marriage is like mushrooms: we understand too past due if they are just right or unhealthy.” – Woody Allen

“Everybody laughs the similar in every language as a result of laughter is a universal connection.” – Yakov Smirnoff

“Always cross to folks’s funerals, another way they received’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“If you come to a fork in the street, take it.” – Yogi Berra

“You’ve were given to be very careful if you don’t know the place you are going, because you would possibly now not get there.” – Yogi Berra

“People steadily say that motivation doesn’t ultimate. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we propose it day-to-day.” – Zig Ziglar

“A person in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I don’t suppose I’ve noticed anyone guffawing on methods to a financial institution.” – Ric Ducommon

We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. Come back anytime you can get pleasure from a good laugh, and keep impressed.

Updated February 1, 2021.

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